Handling Chaos 5
Today, I am sharing a portion of one of my coaching calls from Self Coaching Scholars so that you can all benefit from my coaching around some of the questions that are coming up right now.
I believe a lot of you may be intellectualizing the Model, which is keeping you from seeing that your thoughts are still, as always, optional sentences in your head. You’re blaming the world for how you feel but you really need to be blaming your brain!
hg0088官方网站Let’s take back our power here, shall we?
hg0088官方网站Join me as I coach on how to be at peace with your decisions, why believing that other people are handling it wrong is not helping you show up the way you probably want to, and why you need to do the work of thinking on purpose so you can differentiate your thoughts from the actual circumstances.
Scary thoughts are going to come, for sure. But just recognize them for what they are. They're just sentences. They're totally harmless if you pay attention to them.
Listen to the show
What You will discover
- Why any decision you make today is the right one – no matter what.
- How being okay with your feelings will help you be more calm in the long run.
- Where to put other people’s reactions in your Model.
- How self-righteous thoughts about how others are reacting won’t lead to feelings or results that serve you.
- Why saying or writing your thoughts out will help you see them in a new way.
- Why, even if there is a sliver of truth in your thoughts, you can still decide not to think them.
- What to do instead of wishing for this to be over faster so you can get to “better.”
Featured on the show
- Learn more about the Self Coaching Scholars program.
Get the Full Episode Transcript:download the transcript
Welcome to The Life Coach School Podcast, where it’s all about real clients, real problems and real coaching. And now your host, Master Coach Instructor, Brooke Castillo.
hg0088官方网站Brooke Castillo: Well, hello my friends. Welcome back to the podcast today. Very excited to share with you a coaching portion, I should say, edited down portion, of a coaching call that I did today. We have added tons of coaching in Self Coaching Scholars just to address our current brain situation. A lot of us have the Coronavirus in our brain, meaning we're obsessing lots of thoughts about it and we don't even have it medically. We aren't infected with it medically. We're infected with it in our brains. And I got to coach some people on it today and all of the things that are going on in our brains today.
Brooke Castillo: Listen, it is very important that you manage your mind. If you need coaching, get into Scholars so I can coach you. There is no reason for you to suffer. There is no reason for you to let your mind go crazy. I know that you'll be able to relate to many of the things that are said in this recording. If you want to hear the whole thing, of course, you can get it in scholars. And I'm going to be doing several more this week, if you want to get some live coaching. Let's go. Here's the call.
Brooke Castillo: All right. Who wants coaching? Raise your hand. Let's get to the bottom of this. Let's do it.
hg0088官方网站Speaker 1: Can you hear me?
Brooke Castillo: Hello. Yes.
Speaker 1: Okay. Sorry for my English. I'm not American.
hg0088官方网站Brooke Castillo: Oh, my gosh. But you have a gorgeous accent, so let's just all bask in it. Okay. What's happening? Tell me all the things.
hg0088官方网站Speaker 1: I'm just confused. I'm just in this place where I can't take decision, like trying to take the right decision. Mostly for my son. For me, too. I have the three-years-old son, and he just start school, and Coronavirus is coming in Argentina, and we have the Dengue.
hg0088官方网站Speaker 1: So, I'm so stressful, and I just see him. He start again to need the diaper or he's so anxious, and I just see myself. I can't handle it.
Brooke Castillo: Why is he anxious, do you think?
Speaker 1: First, because he starts school and he doesn't want it. "I don't want to go and to be there. I just hate to be there." I felt almost like I'm a mean person to put my son there.
Brooke Castillo: Okay, so your kids are still going to school?
Speaker 1: Yeah. Yeah.
hg0088官方网站Brooke Castillo: In Argentina, they haven't closed down the schools yet?
Speaker 1: Yes. I decided this now, but I decided-
Brooke Castillo: You're deciding it. Okay.
Speaker 1: I decided that I won't put him back in school.
hg0088官方网站Brooke Castillo: Okay. Because school just started, so we are all the kid in the room and all parents, too. So, I think it's too much.
hg0088官方网站Brooke Castillo: Okay, so let's just take a minute. What is the thought right now, in this moment, that's making you feel anxious? All of you do this along with me, okay? Everybody on the call, all you people that have all your hands raised. What is the thought? What is the sentence in your mind right now that's making you feel anxious right now?
hg0088官方网站Speaker 1: That I can't take the ... I don't know what is the right decision.
hg0088官方网站Brooke Castillo: Okay, so let's think about this thought. I don't know what the right decision is. Yeah, that's a sentence. Yeah. Of all of the sentences available to you in the world, that's the one you're picking?
hg0088官方网站Speaker 1: And it's a very [good inaudible 00:02:27] one, yeah.
hg0088官方网站Brooke Castillo: Any upside to that? Any quality to that?
hg0088官方网站Speaker 1: No. It doesn't serve me at all.
Brooke Castillo: Even the thought, "There is no right decision." This is what my girlfriend, Kris Plachy, was telling me. When we're looking at all these people having to make all these huge decisions about all the things in the world right now. There's no right decision. There's just a decision.
hg0088官方网站Speaker 1: Yeah.
hg0088官方网站Brooke Castillo: If you think that there's a right one, then you're going to be like, "I need to find out." You'll Google it. "What is the right decision to do?" Right? I mean, literally, you'll think there exists some right thing to do. There's just a decision.
Speaker 1: Because I'm taking decision and after I have this WhatsApp coming with messages and alarms, like "You have to do that and that." So, it's like I feel I can't just breathe and let's just stay in the house and not see nobody.
hg0088官方网站Brooke Castillo: Okay, so that's a decision. Now, if we stop trying to make decisions, right or wrong, we can be a peace. I had a client recently say to me, she's like ... It was so funny. I coached someone who regretted traveling and someone who regretted not traveling. It's like coaching them on the exact same thing, right? The exact opposite thing. And what I said to each of them is you make a decision in the moment, and that is the right decision for that moment because that's the decision you made.
Brooke Castillo: You don't get to judge that decision in the future. There's no reason to judge that decision in the future because then, five years from now, what would be the decision you would've made? You could be like, "Oh, that was a wrong decision. I should have known the Coronavirus was coming, and then I would've done this, this, and this, and that." Right? That is not useful. There's the decision you make right now, and you never look back.
hg0088官方网站Brooke Castillo: You never tried to undo a decision that you've made. You never try to label it right or wrong. There's no, zero upside to shoulding like that on yourself, okay? So, you're telling yourself, "I don't know what decision to make, and I want to make the right decision." Okay. All of you guys that are having those types of thought, there's a lot of decisions to be made right now.
Brooke Castillo: Make a decision and then find a way to be peaceful about it. And have your own back. Don't screw yourself over in the future. You want to make sure that your future self is going to take care of you, right? You make the best decision you can in the moment. You don't get to later get more information and then be like, "Hey, sister, you should've made a different decision." Well, easy for you to say. You have all of the context now. "I made the decision in that moment for me and now I have my own back."
Brooke Castillo: So, is your decision to stay home and not go anywhere?
Speaker 1: Yeah.
Brooke Castillo: Okay. Make that the best decision you can and don't question it. You start questioning it, then you start making yourself crazy. That's the right decision.
Speaker 1: You're right.
Brooke Castillo: I'm not going to send him to school right now. I'm going to stay here with him. And that's it. And then, you may feel uncomfortable about it, but you won't be confused. You can be uncomfortable, but don't be confused about it. Decisions are where our power is. And one of the things that I want you guys to be super careful about is when you start judging other people's decisions as right or wrong, right?
hg0088官方网站Brooke Castillo: When you start saying, "Well, they should do this, and they shouldn't be doing this, and they should handle this better." You have no idea. You don't have any. I love it when people think they know what doctors and hospitals should do. You're not a doctor. If you're not a doctor, right? You don't know. Just know what you're going to do and don't judge them right or wrong. Just judge them as they are.
Speaker 1: Yeah, because it's exactly what I'm doing. My stepfathers and my mother, that what they should do.
Brooke Castillo: Yeah, you're like ... And listen, we all want to be right. It's ridiculous. We think, "Oh, we know what should be done. Listen, people, you should be traveling. You shouldn't be traveling. You should take this more seriously. You shouldn't take this so seriously." Right? We don't know. There's no right or wrong here. There is just what is, okay?
Brooke Castillo: We make our own decisions, and we have our own backs, and we have compassion for all the other humans in the world. Because when we get mad about what other people do, we are weakening ourselves. Because we have no control there. When we confuse of our own decisions, we're weakening ourselves, okay? You have a lot of power in this moment to make your own decision and to manage your own mind. That's where all your power is.
Brooke Castillo: So, in the very small arena where you do have power, don't weaken yourself, which is what you're doing with questioning your decisions and telling yourself there's a right thing to do and that you don't know.
Speaker 1: And how do you do? I'm taking, okay, decision. I might be uncomfortable, and I have a lot of anxiety and-
hg0088官方网站Brooke Castillo: Me, too.
Speaker 1: It's so hard. And I am at the highest point now.
Brooke Castillo: Although, I have to say this. This is so funny. I say, "Listen, I'm anxious every day, and I know that some of y'all, this is all new. Welcome to my world. This is what it's like all the time." So, in some ways, I do feel very prepared for the situation because I'm okay with being anxious.
Speaker 1: But what I don't know how to handle, it's the anxiety of my husband and my son.
hg0088官方网站Brooke Castillo: You do know how to handle it. Stop telling yourself you don't know. That is causing you to feel very disempowered. You do know how to handle. How do you handle the anxiety of your son? Where does that go in your Model?
hg0088官方网站Speaker 1: I will say in my circumstance.
Brooke Castillo: Yeah. And you don't say his anxiety, just what he's doing. How do you know what he's anxious?
Speaker 1: The way he act.
Brooke Castillo: Specifically, tell me.
Speaker 1: He start to scream at night and pee on the bed.
hg0088官方网站Brooke Castillo: Okay. So, he screams and pees on the bed. You put it in the C line. That's how you handle it. And you manage your thoughts around it.
hg0088官方网站Speaker 1: Wow. Okay.
hg0088官方网站Brooke Castillo: And whatever husband is doing, put it in your C line. Manage your thoughts about it. Take your power back. Don't let your brain go into chaos. Okay, my friend?
Speaker 1: Okay.
Brooke Castillo: You've got this. You know what you're doing. You're not confused. I promise you that. Stop telling yourself that. It's not serving you. Deal?
Speaker 1: Yes.
Brooke Castillo: Okay. Double-dog dare you to take back control of your mind. All of you. All right, let's go. What you got?
Speaker 2: So, I'm a physician, and what I'm struggling with is a lot of resentment towards all the idiots who ... Well, my perceived idiots, who were out and at the bars for Saint Patty's Day and going to restaurants, when I know what's coming or I think I know what's coming.
Speaker 2: And I know that I'm going to have to go to work, and be there, and be dealing with this, regardless of what anyone else does. And so, I know that people-
hg0088官方网站Brooke Castillo: Okay, wait. So this is ... Hang on a second because this is really important for you to know, that you think you know what people should be doing. Yeah?
hg0088官方网站Speaker 2: Yes.
Brooke Castillo: Okay. How many of you guys can relate? Can I get a Amen? We know and they don't. Now, some of the people are probably on their phones at a bar right now on this call, and they're like, "Stop freaking out. It's fine." Right? So, here's where I went with it. I'm open to all of the possibilities because I don't have control over it. Right? So, I'm open to the idea, and this is kind of fun to think about. So just go with me for a minute, okay?
Speaker 2: Yes.
hg0088官方网站Brooke Castillo: I'm open to the idea that they're going to be like, "We were just proving fake news. This is all just a hoax. Ha ha. Funny, funny." Right? We opened it up for just a second. Just a moment.
Speaker 2: Okay.
hg0088官方网站Brooke Castillo: Wouldn't that be hilarious? We're like, "You got us, right?" That's one extreme. The other extreme is this is the apocalypse and we're all going to die.
Speaker 2: I don't know that I think either of those are true, but I guess they could both be possible.
Brooke Castillo: Well, right, they're not. They're not, right? They're both on the extremes. But if you can make peace with both of them, on some level, then everything else in between becomes a lot more peaceful. So, listen, if I thought you calling people idiots, if I thought you judging them, if I thought you knowing what everyone should do was helpful to you in any way, I would work with you on. Okay? Zero. There's zero. You calling other people idiots makes you feel terrible, right?
hg0088官方网站Speaker 2: Yes.
Brooke Castillo: It makes you feel terrible and you feel like a victim of their behavior.
hg0088官方网站Speaker 2: I do. Yeah, I don't usually, but in this circumstance I really do.
hg0088官方网站Brooke Castillo: Oh, yeah. Because your brain is like, "Woo hoo."
Speaker 2: I feel like I'm at the expense of what everyone else in the world wants to do.
Brooke Castillo: Right? Right? As if you haven't always been, which is hilarious, right? This is what I think is so interesting is people are like, "Oh, my God. We're going to die." It's like hadn't you noticed that earlier before this? It was always going to happen. And people are like, "But this, and but this, and but this." But it's like, also, just notice any of those thoughts that you think about all the time are not serving you.
Brooke Castillo: Listen, we could wake up every day, you and I, and get on the phone every morning, and talk about all the idiots and what they're doing. Every day, before this even happened. Right? There are a lot of people that we could call idiots who are doing it wrong.
Speaker 2: Yes.
Brooke Castillo: And then, how would we feel every day?
Speaker 2: I guess I'd feel resentful every day.
hg0088官方网站Brooke Castillo: And righteous. We'd feel righteous and resentful.
hg0088官方网站Speaker 2: Yes.
Brooke Castillo: Yeah. Right. So, what is our alternative? We got to let the humans be the humans. We got to share the planet with them, okay?
hg0088官方网站Speaker 2: But I have to put myself at risk for them.
Brooke Castillo: No, you don't.
hg0088官方网站Speaker 2: I choose to put myself at risk for them. I could quit my job.
Brooke Castillo: For them. It's not for them. Slow down. Listen, you're very righteous right now, and a lot of you are. You're very hooked into your belief system and you're like, "This is true." But it's not serving you. So here's the question. It's a complicated intellectual question, but I want you to go there. Let's just take the people in the bars right now.
Brooke Castillo: There's people in the bars and at restaurants right now, okay? They're not leaving.
Speaker 2: Right.
hg0088官方网站Brooke Castillo: Okay. They're at the bars. What do you want to think and feel about them that would serve you? Your brain is like, "This is a terrible exercise. I want to hate them, and I want to be afraid, and I want to be mad, and I want to be a victim." All of you, notice that your brain is doing this. Okay? Just notice.
Speaker 2: I'm so attached to it. I guess I want to think, "I'll take care of the sick people who come and I won't despise them for the choices they've made."
Brooke Castillo: (laughing) That's a good step. Right? Because here's the thing. We have to let the people do the people things.
Speaker 2: Right.
Brooke Castillo: So, I'm just curious. Where would you be right now if you hadn't been forced to come home?
hg0088官方网站Speaker 2: We'd be in Argentina hiding from the Coronavirus because there's much less there than there is here. And I'd be-
Brooke Castillo: (laughing) Right? You were out in the world yesterday, weren't you?
hg0088官方网站Speaker 2: Yes.
hg0088官方网站Brooke Castillo: Being an idiot, right?
Speaker 2: Being an idiot. Yes. But there's less there. There's less there. But no, I-
Brooke Castillo: Listen, listen. Let's just be honest here. You flew from another country here.
Speaker 2: Yes.
hg0088官方网站Brooke Castillo: Right. And so whether you can justify it or not or feel righteous or not, someone else-
Speaker 2: Right. [crosstalk 00:10:31] I totally want both sides.
Brooke Castillo: Of course. You're like. "Listen."
hg0088官方网站Speaker 2: I wanted to finish my vacation, and then get them home, and then go back to work and deal. I know. I knew as I was coming into this. I'm like, "I can't have it both ways."
Brooke Castillo: People go into a bar-
Speaker 2: I was on a plane in JFK three hours ago.
Brooke Castillo: Right. And you're pissed off at the idiots in the bars.
Speaker 2: I know, I know. I know.
hg0088官方网站Brooke Castillo: But here's the thing. I don't want you to be pissed off at you, and I don't want you to be pissed off at them because it doesn't heal anybody. It doesn't prevent anything.
Speaker 2: And it doesn't prevent me from getting sick.
Brooke Castillo: Of course not.
hg0088官方网站Speaker 2: And it doesn't-
Brooke Castillo: It doesn't do any of it. Right? So, that's what you have to decide. Humans get to do what they want. Period. Even if there's rules.
Speaker 2: Right.
Brooke Castillo: Even before viruses, people get to do what they want and I want to offer that that's a beautiful thing. That's a beautiful thing. And us judging that and making ourselves feel terrible is not in our best interest.
hg0088官方网站Speaker 2: Right.
hg0088官方网站Brooke Castillo: Because we feel righteous and we're like, "We're doctors, you stupid idiots. We know what's up."
Speaker 2: (laughing) I understand what you're saying. I think with the group of physicians, when we're trying to get people to not be in big groups, we feel like we do know that there are ways to make this less devastating than it potentially could be.
Brooke Castillo: Of course you do. Of course you do. If nobody touched anyone again, if we all just stayed in our own rooms, right? Literally, you do know, but you can't control the world.
hg0088官方网站Speaker 2: I can't control that. Right.
hg0088官方网站Brooke Castillo: It's so disappointing. Can we all just get an amen that it's disappointing we can't control the world?
hg0088官方网站Speaker 2: Amen.
Brooke Castillo: God, wouldn't it be great?
hg0088官方网站Speaker 2: I want to control the world.
Brooke Castillo: Wouldn't it be great to control the world, to fix the virus? Doesn't the world know that people shouldn't get sick, and people shouldn't die, and people shouldn't be idiots, and people shouldn't go to bars, and people should be? Doesn't the world know? They don't know. So, what do we have control over?
Brooke Castillo: And you need to get control of your mind because you're already out of control in so many ways. And now, you're creating other ways to be out of control by not being able to control strangers in bars. You have bigger fish to fry, right here in your own little noggin. Right here.
Brooke Castillo: So, I want you to, all of you, say it together. What do we want to think about? What do we want to use our brain energy for? Tell me.
hg0088官方网站Speaker 2: I want to use my brain energy to keep me and my family as safe as I can.
Brooke Castillo: Now, I want to suggest to you that the word safe is too loaded for you.
Speaker 2: Okay. As low-risk. I don't ever know what the word is.
Brooke Castillo: I want to recommend that you shift it to a word like healing. Because I think a word like healing for you will put you in a more compassionate place, right? Because if you're at risk or safe, those words, when you're in a victim mode, are really triggering to your brain. Because your brain is already in fight or flight, right?
Brooke Castillo: But if we want to heal, as a doctor, it's my job to heal. As someone who studied The Model, I can heal my own brain and I can be a presence for other people - that is healing. Going around calling other people idiots doesn't serve anyone, ever. Especially you because you feel terrible and you blame the idiots. Are those the people you want in control of your emotional life? They're drunk. Right?
Speaker 2: (laughing) At bars.
Brooke Castillo: It's ill-advised. These are not the people...
Speaker 2: They're picking up someone else's drink and drinking out of it.
Brooke Castillo: These are not the people you want in charge, right? So, there's so much serious going on. "Well, these people need to," and we think if we just get mad enough, that it will somehow change what's going on. It won't. It won't.
hg0088官方网站Brooke Castillo: In fact, coming from a place of healing, compassion starts with ourselves and then, with understanding that there are these extremes of what we think we should be doing. And making peace with all of it is what it's like to be in the world. Control what you can, let go of what you can't. Okay?
hg0088官方网站Brooke Castillo: So, if you focus on a word like healing, like "My job as a doctor is to heal," and I'm not talking about necessarily medical stuff. I'm talking about all of it. How can I be a healing presence right now?
Speaker 2: Right.
Brooke Castillo: That could be an amazing question for you. Because the way that you're approaching safety is from a very frightened place. So, I don't like that word for you because it triggers emotion that's negative. And I'm not saying don't be safe, people. For some of you, that word isn't triggering. But for her, I'm suggesting a less triggering word because it's not serving her.
hg0088官方网站Brooke Castillo: For some of you, the word safe is helping. But if you feel like a victim because you're not managing your mind, I want you to find the words that make you feel more powerful. Because you're one of those powerful people we have, yeah? In a circumstance like this. As long as you're not mad and victim-y.
Speaker 2: Mad and victim-y. I'll try not to be mad and victim-y.
Brooke Castillo: Just for your own sake.
Speaker 2: Yeah.
Brooke Castillo: Just for your own sake. And just notice. And, you guys, take the thoughts out of your brain and look at them. Because I could even tell, as you were saying them out loud. You could hear them out loud. They sound very different than when they're in your brain. They seem so true. And then, out loud you're like, "Oh, wow." Right? So, make sure you get them out of your brain so they exist in a way that you can witness them.
Speaker 2: Yeah.
Brooke Castillo: All right, my friend. Thank you.
hg0088官方网站Speaker 2: Thank you.
Brooke Castillo: Appreciate it. All right, who's next?
Speaker 3: Hi.
hg0088官方网站Brooke Castillo: Hi.
Speaker 3: Oh, my God. Okay. I didn't think I was going to get on. So, the good thing about this happening is that I get to coach with you now.
Brooke Castillo: That's right. See? Here we go.
Speaker 3: Okay. So, I traveled to your event, and then I had to turn right back around and come home. I self-coached myself, came right back, decided just to come home. And everything happening out there just made me really scared, even though I wasn't before. And I was like, "If I went out there and everyone's got gloves on and masks on-
Brooke Castillo: Okay. So, let's stop for a